winter winter
new home
same loves
home cooked meals

still feeling black, blank, bleak,
sometimes,
it's hard to tell differences in feelings
i don't want to walk away
i don't want to go back to old
things, people, heart stings, whatever
but everything feels quite "off", even with a fresh coat of white all over this city
some simple time away this weekend
white dresses and pincurls
it would be nice for winter to end sooner than later,
definately

things to overanalyze, continued:

i hate when you drink, i sleep
my chest tenses, stomach turns,
excluded from pieces of your life
you aren't sharing

37 degrees, counting down,
i want to exclude you but
never could

faceless, nameless lttrs

an unknown person, secretive with no reasons
constricts the boundries and pulls away, a bit more
a bit less, repeat, over and over again

so confused now, like always, unsure of worthiness
of troubles for nothing, of under appreciations toward
my spirit and my company

the closest person to me won't let me be close
backing away is immature, unnatural to me
inabilities to be cared for or opening themselves
up
out

defense, crying loudly to stop, to trust in me
to want to know my inners
to let me see and hear and feel yours
cynically, rather, becoming weary that this will improve

autumn now & i need yr warmth

i am isolated, again.
this feeling comes each time i think of you or feel you or
imagine lacking you
it already feels so over, i already have won and lost,
so quickly

to remember even a short time ago
the feeling of falling, the fleeting image you shone
incredibly bright, you are completely unaware

backing things up, restrictions on hold, i gave it
i gave you
i have given you

senses, and tastes especially
i felt it and your eyes cut it into my frontal lobe
i imagine everything, i imagine that

inside the grasp of you
inside the lips, the tongue, the arms,
the warmth of your legs, my legs,
i will hold you with my strength which comes and goes
regardless of weather, regardless of colour

black or white or yellow or grey, the in betweens
you are my last place resembling home
losing everything,

k

seasons effectively

• grieving the loss of summer sun and feeling
• prioritizing every last detail/memoirs
• buffalo release, lake erie's grip
  
• september illnesses, throat soreness, body aches, head swims
• darker nights, colder nights, slower beats, minor key melodies

• "If man's awaking is harder, if it breaks the spell too abruptly, it is because he has been led to make for himself too impoverished a notion of atonement."

still repetition STILL

underwhelmed by the holdings on hearts of others, men

so overwhelming 

twenty five years now

twelve of those wrapped inside of several

in your stance i am understanding but neglectful to recognize

so summer is over now, it's not so sad

but repeatedly, i miss you

i could never ever admit

marble fingertips, marble eyes, marble intentions

Adj. 1. soulless - lacking sensitivity or the capacity for deep feeling

i have absolutely no idea what is going on
my heart is cut

OMGOMGOMGOMG

http://www.joshspear.com/item/kidrobot-dunny-series-5/

ATTN: EVERYONE IN THE WORLD
RE: NEW DUNNY/BUYING KAYTA NEW DUNNY SERIES
ACTION REQUIRED: FIND GOLDEN TICKET 1/600

AHHHHhhhhhH

so indecisive :((

SUMMER SMILES

i've emerged from hibernation, spirits have lifted, and it makes me feel wonderful

I AM WAITING UNDER THE SUN

it will never be for me, the time

it's just never right, it could be years but it's too soon

so back into my chest cavity, i'll put you in a brown paper bag and freeze you in time

until my forties, fifties, and until then 

i'll spend my nights alone, cats, wine, city to city, life in two brown suitcases in the trunk of a buick

i've tried so hard this summer, for this summer

fail

BFR I FRGT

for miles and miles and miles

everywhere you turned, just hills and vines

sheep snacking on leaves & grape skins
internally - i was on my back below the hill, blue above, isolated, and wine all around

JSTCE

summer has almost ended, it always feels over mid-point, always
july rolls around and rather than feeling as if everything has just started, i feel as if i need to compress and pack and ensure happiness and sun worship each day
everything changes for me monthly- ok perhaps bi-monthly- i am seemingly incapable of being the same person after a short period of time, people, places, perpective wise. as much as i'd like to think it's unnoticed by friends/family/whomever, i'm sure it's transparent and visual and obvious
it's uncontrolled
srry
my mind and heart and body have been in limbo as of late
not a bad limbo, perse, just limbo-ish
coming together now, perhaps, everything feels bright and out of charachter, a new idea, a whole new way of everything maybe
i spoke with co workers, family, friends, everyone - and the "if it aint broke don't fix it" line - in reverse - came out
something along the line of "you have done the same thing in circles for ten years, getting you nowhere, a change is a good thing"
so for once i will take advice and branch out and as of now my heart is agreeing

chng of plns

nothing so much new, its always a circle of goings on, same old, different feelings
i returned from southern vacations not so much a different, changed, or fulfilled person, i guess just a more independent one, more clear to me who i am and what i believe in, who i believe in, whatever.

convinced myself i could become someone who could put emotion and thought aside while living life for the sake of living it, which lasted purely for two or so weeks, and eventually turned into a nervous breakdown, no, ok not a nervous breakdown, a financial and mental disaster of my mind fighting with my actions to let it go back to normal

haha, normal

buffalo has been kind to me since i've returned, i was greeted with open arms and cigarettes and love filled nights with girl friends and drunken text messages from boy friends. it was never a struggle to get back into my life here, the trees are much different, even the sky is different, but i always always feel such relief when i touch ground in western new york and know i have places and people and things i love and exist because of waiting for me.

this is perhaps not the summer of love and experience any longer,
rather the summer of self reflection, emotional growing, novels on weekdays,
wines and arts and cheeses and friends every day of my life.

though i will say this about nashville and those it holds, being
you can never seem too ridiculous, your ideas will never seem silly or as if they are NOT hilarious, everyone will love them. props and photo shoots will be daily occurances and no one finds anything wrong with it. i guess just a different way to remember things.

F/N/A/W is over, for now

spring grasses alone, drinking wine and sun worship, cat stevens on the ipod, ahhhh

NSHVL TN

nashville, beautiful and serene and bustling

warm weather and well dressed men and women

friendly postmen and best friends

swinging in parks, flowers surrounding, picinic blankets

it was very beautiful

homesick, always, whenever i leave buffalo's icy & grey grips

after some wines always feeling nostalgic and heart broken

but so many plans and things and occupations

just wish i could enjoy them whole-heartedly

OPEN LETTERS

nmlss,
moreso this is cathartic for me, rather than trying to convey a particular message to you. i feel the need to be honest regardless of the countless confusions you have inflicted upon me over the past few months. above all else, i have thought of you fondly for several years, friendly encounters and memories of this quiet boy who enjoyed periods of hibernation and was generally always kind to me. i have tendencies to glorify my past and people from my past into almost saint like figures, meaning that regardless of closeness or levels of friendship, my heart holds them near for eternal lots of time, and places barriers around negative things i can see in them. so, perhaps, this is what bothers me most of all about our situation, and how things have progressed in our friendship and whatever else we have anticipated or shared recently. that my image of you, though not unfaulted and god-like, by any means, is a shining light in a crowded room filled with dull ones and burned out bulbs of people. this isn't something i can consiously control, nor is it something i like to give up- as postives in my life are fleeting and rare in new encounters. i have struggled with this new image of you replacing the old, over the past weeks, on and off. the new image holds negative vibes and your light has seemingly burned out and faded into the leigions of dull and dark persons whom have dissapointed me. this is a difficult concept to face and accept, you as a negative, as anything but someone i care for and see beauty and life in. i am quite honestly grasping on to every last bit of your brightness. you and i have gone in very literal circular states of confusion, communications. and honestly, it shouldn't be so complicated, though i feel perhaps we are both complex beings, and it's unavoidable.

i am not quite sure how this came to be, i can't pinpoint a time or place when this started, or when we both noticed it, experienced it, whatever. this falls into a underused catergory in my life where i feel sensical and logical situations are obsolete and those situations that arise for seemingly no apparent reason or intention are brought on by nature or inexplicable forces that could bind people or places together. i have enjoyed the fluidity of it, thinking always that experiences could never hurt me this way, if they ever came to be, as what is meant to be joined to me or experienced in my life could only be positive. most things have come to me very abruptly and forcefully, almost expectedly, and i appreciated our time spent together as something almost blindly happening, in tune, through no control of my actions/words or your actions/words. and perhaps this is my punishment for believing that life can be lived through portals of emotions and intuitions rather than realities and verbalizations. regardless, living and feeling this way and so lushly has made me perhaps ignorant and naive to the actual events that take place on earth, friendships, relationships, what have you. i try so hard to block out negative stigmas and cliches that it is very rare i am excited about the company and perspectives of others, though while around you i felt kindred and as if maybe, the way you saw things, streets, faces, trees, buildings, was in line with the way i did, and felt an overwhelming desire to see things as you saw them and compare.

and i struggled for this. because of the intensity of it, on my part, most likely, completely on my part only. there were several times where i would feel a presense radiating from you as if this was not uncalled for, not an experience i was overestimating-- which of course, would be balanced a day or two afterward, with the hesitations you emitted and the neglectful manner of your actions. so we would get together to talk, perhaps twice?, the same communication, where you would explain your neurosis and apprehensions and i would understand and give you the oppurtunity to back away if you wanted- which you never took. and this would lead me back to the idea and fluidity of how i felt being in place, proper-- which had been quite possibly the most genuinely excited & primitive emotions of happiness i have felt in years. so generally i held on to the idea of this and that your hinderances would soon break and you would see what i saw and feel what i felt. i asked you once if you would like for me to back off and if perhaps this wasn't appropriate timing for you-- or if you wanted for me to keep attempting to push you out of your (unexplained) shells, and with no hesitation you asked, i thought so genuinely, to please keep pushing you-- and i decided at that point i would devote myself to helping you come around-- see what i see-- patiently, quietly, supportively, and not overbearingly-- which i suppose, was impossible, in hindsight.

i don't think negatively of you because of your hesitations and guards. i am a human with faults in nearly every aspect of my life, behaviour, mentality, emotions. i feel that because of my ability to relate and understand the things you have told me were blocks in this becoming more than what it was, for you, i overextended myself for you and possibly put my own standards and wellbeing as back priority, more than once. this is through no fault of yours, and completely my own, as i should have been moreso a realist in this and realized your inability to deal with this. though you had asked me, drunkenly, to push you, i feel as if your actions and unwillingness to let me be close to you should have been enough for me to let things be and i am sorry and regretful. not for anything i experienced with you, but for perhaps taking your vocalization and running with it rather than reading between the lines.

i have no balance between undercommunicating and overcommunicating, i suppose most of the things i say are without reason or thought to the other party involved-- which is a habit i developed after several years, perhaps two decades worth of missed oppurtunities and misunderstandings caused by my lack of willingness to admit my thoughts and heart contents. so, i guess-- i am really trying to apologize if this is perhaps overwhelming or out of line. i have no real agenda in this.

while i do feel led astray and off-put by alot of the suggestions you had made alluding to your feelings, good and bad, i can only try and forgive you and accept that humans are not simple or rational creatures. our minds and hearts change, and feelings-- should not-- and can not, be force-felt. i called you several times one night, in a friend's bathroom, amongst people laughing and enjoying social situations and wine, hoping you would pick up and i could tell you honestly that your apathy toward my feelings had devestated me fully for the last time. heart was sunken, partially realizing that perhaps you just didn't care for me in any way-- even the friendship that i have grown accustomed to over the past 5 odd years. you seemed more of a dark figure, an unwelcomed presence that night, than a person whose company i enjoy and whose light always has shone so brightly-- another romantic endeavor which leaves me with negative tastes and awkwardness in every anticipated social event. so strange to see you in this manner, where it was inappropriate to speak or suggest we knew each other at all. even a glance and those three or four seconds before the lights went dark, where our eyes met fully, feeling more like a punch in the stomach than a friendly gesture.

i would never hide the fact that i am upset. i've explained to you my inability to be angry with people, only situations. i am upset by this. i am not upset because of the rejection of our "more than friendship", as much as i am upset at the seemingly endless way this worked out-- you outreached, i responded, i outreached, you didn't respond. responded finally and explained your doubts that we could be more than friends. accepted it, outreached as a friend, you responded and made us more than friends again, in that parking lot after only a few drinks, this time i couldn't blame your intoxication, or mine. stretched myself thin a few more times, listened to you and took you for an honest person when i gave you one, two, three chances to tell me if this is not what you wanted, if i am not what you wanted, if i should back off-- each time you blamed your mental state and told me you'd try and shut the crazy off-- i believed you because honestly, i had no reason not to believe you. so now, after all of the outs i had given you, the oppurtunities to either open yourself to me, or be open with me -- you call and tell me they were all just excuses, which i took as you never had real hesitations emotionally, mentally-- you were just never in to me, and were trying to be, for the sake of who knows what. and i am left completely blindsighted by this, as i believe you to be an honest and emotionally capable person, and not a completely egocentric one. present tense, still, as i am giving you the biggest benefit of the doubt i have ever given-- perhaps shouldn't be given. i suppose, above all else, i just need you to know that i am not a girl who extends herself, offers herself, overdoes anything-- i am reserved, generally, in romantic affairs and friendships and tend to find myself under-flattering my role in basically every situation. and that because of these "excuses" you had given me, repeatedly, i found you worth changing my reservations for, for once-- ending in this extremely cliche and unnessecary heavy heart. i am awful at change, but decent at adjusting gradually, and though my feelings are fragile and glass coated, they'd have recovered so easily if you had just been honest with me from the start. and i feel that it would have been a less extreme adjustment, requiring less time, to return to our state of friendship, perhaps even a better friendship based on the irony of whatever happened between us, in the end.

abrupt endings seem to work best with you and i.

MVIES ON WKENDS

it should become a more permanent part of my weekend rituals

even without wine, it was fine to sit and experience, discuss 

we left our comfort zone and headed to north buffalo to see the new gus van sant, "paranoid park" with one or two other people in the theatre

i walked in with an open mind, never being a fan of van sant AT ALL, thinking he is endlessly droning and generally uninteresting, cliche metaphors and adding not much to my film watching palate, of his works

fairly, i have given his films chances, i have sat fully through each of them watching and appreciating bits and pieces, but overall have been left disappointed by the whole

i feel as if paranoid park had a similar effect, but post-film discussion over drinks and breads at left bank had concluded things that were previously underappreciated, or overhyped so much that appreciation seemed forced and insincere

pros and cons, generally was able to find many more pros instead of focusing on the van sant-ish ness of the whole piece, this time. didn't mind the pace as much, as we found it led us to analyze scenes and visuals much more fully and cohesively, actually in the moment - rather than post-analytical discussions. this was nice in the aspect that it led me to feel things specifically and fully during scenes of little or no dialogue, either by light play or soundscapes or what have you. plots and the always apparent coming of age, youth-driven messages, not so much my focus or my concern with this. the story was more liner, which was an unexpected change (though not a COMPLETELY obvious one- it wasn't a TOTAL flip from his previous works), but still i felt more fulfilled by the subtleties of sceneries and expressions and nature tie-ins which worked in perfect line with the feeling attempting to be portrayed

i still feel slowed down, the day after, a bit calmer and eyes more open, i suppose

after the night of slowness and a film defined by it's pace, a few glasses of wine with friends, rain being totally consistent and mood altering, i came home and filled my bedroom with appropriate sounds and closed my eyes and turned off my mind

HOW DO I KNOW

a wishwash of colours this morning when i opened my eyes

it was all around me, combed over my face and heart covered in heavy blankets

so i wished the best on my clocks time and breathed in the possibility

everything is ok

hurried in life, feeling so hurried, anxious, constantly

sitting here i fidget and think and overreact

but i cant, really, figure this, rationalize it, make sense of it, whatever

i used to think whims and gut feelings should lead my heart in appropriate directions

to appropriate situations and that nature and souls would work themselves out

appropriately

it was probably noon, on my father's porch, and i watched it all fall and thought

how this is the last time

and my patience is worn thin and my heart is worn out

and i cant verbalize this to you and i dont know if verbally communicating is even relevant

when you feel an urge, a kindred spirit, a connection on strange new levels of being

bypass it, ignore it, don't learn from it and don't give in to it

VOIDS

emotionally, physically, whatever, 

how much of this is really based on actual synapses and human tendency, and how much is based on forcefed jumbles of mirrors and mannequins

so, i guess, when it feels primative and unkempt and irrational, i cant argue it as easily

there were drops of understanding and likening, pouring down my cheeks intermittently, in between black curtains and a live action mixed media-

i couldn't help it, i mean sitting right beside me and it was validating everything i felt through waves in the room 

but i turned it off because, as always, it's not appropriate- i mean, a room filled with people, thinking different things and probably interpreting negatively rather than having it rationalize your sense that how nonsensical and intense you feel isn't crazy, rather one of the most real things you have felt

so, i ran through the night, self medicating to make it easier to hold back, turning off logical thoughts and urges and feelings in general

ran into the next day and thought about how my life just isn't consistant right now

but how consistancy fuels complacancy, and how though harder, perhaps it's better to fight so hard- so you will never lose appreciation of this

before everything, new loves and happiness have entered sporadically this spring, already-

in the form of female bonding and common interest and thought patterns, someone to inspire and motivate me, as so many in my life the past few months have been

and instead of bumming and flustering and burying my head under covers- alone- unfeeling and under experiencing things, i feel finally my stand-still has been lifted and i am being released amongst the people i was meant to release to

i will spend mass amounts of time on her rooftop this summer

cooking and eating and wine drinking, dancing

dreaming - being young and grateful that the city feels alive and so do we

LOVE AND SUMMER

compelling as it has been lately, nothing is missing

so it tends to make a girl wonder, re-consider, avoid, worry, whatever

had that dream again, a few nights ago, tall brown trees and yellow and red leaves, surrounded and laying and looking upward - everything made sense, woke up a clairvoyant

sat down & thought for a bit and realized for once

i had nothing to think about

so created things with leftover supplies, to remember those tall trees with yellow and red leaves, and hung them above my bed

drove to see k, up on the rooftop overlooking activity and life and friendships and emotions, discussing and learning and red wines. brown boots wrapped around black boots wrapped around brown boots, we held hands, closed our eyes to the velvet underground, and breathed in summer.

THIS IS THE SUMMER OF LOVE AND EXPERIENCE.