nmlss,
moreso this is cathartic for me, rather than trying to convey a particular message to you. i feel the need to be honest regardless of the countless confusions you have inflicted upon me over the past few months. above all else, i have thought of you fondly for several years, friendly encounters and memories of this quiet boy who enjoyed periods of hibernation and was generally always kind to me. i have tendencies to glorify my past and people from my past into almost saint like figures, meaning that regardless of closeness or levels of friendship, my heart holds them near for eternal lots of time, and places barriers around negative things i can see in them. so, perhaps, this is what bothers me most of all about our situation, and how things have progressed in our friendship and whatever else we have anticipated or shared recently. that my image of you, though not unfaulted and god-like, by any means, is a shining light in a crowded room filled with dull ones and burned out bulbs of people. this isn't something i can consiously control, nor is it something i like to give up- as postives in my life are fleeting and rare in new encounters. i have struggled with this new image of you replacing the old, over the past weeks, on and off. the new image holds negative vibes and your light has seemingly burned out and faded into the leigions of dull and dark persons whom have dissapointed me. this is a difficult concept to face and accept, you as a negative, as anything but someone i care for and see beauty and life in. i am quite honestly grasping on to every last bit of your brightness. you and i have gone in very literal circular states of confusion, communications. and honestly, it shouldn't be so complicated, though i feel perhaps we are both complex beings, and it's unavoidable.
i am not quite sure how this came to be, i can't pinpoint a time or place when this started, or when we both noticed it, experienced it, whatever. this falls into a underused catergory in my life where i feel sensical and logical situations are obsolete and those situations that arise for seemingly no apparent reason or intention are brought on by nature or inexplicable forces that could bind people or places together. i have enjoyed the fluidity of it, thinking always that experiences could never hurt me this way, if they ever came to be, as what is meant to be joined to me or experienced in my life could only be positive. most things have come to me very abruptly and forcefully, almost expectedly, and i appreciated our time spent together as something almost blindly happening, in tune, through no control of my actions/words or your actions/words. and perhaps this is my punishment for believing that life can be lived through portals of emotions and intuitions rather than realities and verbalizations. regardless, living and feeling this way and so lushly has made me perhaps ignorant and naive to the actual events that take place on earth, friendships, relationships, what have you. i try so hard to block out negative stigmas and cliches that it is very rare i am excited about the company and perspectives of others, though while around you i felt kindred and as if maybe, the way you saw things, streets, faces, trees, buildings, was in line with the way i did, and felt an overwhelming desire to see things as you saw them and compare.
and i struggled for this. because of the intensity of it, on my part, most likely, completely on my part only. there were several times where i would feel a presense radiating from you as if this was not uncalled for, not an experience i was overestimating-- which of course, would be balanced a day or two afterward, with the hesitations you emitted and the neglectful manner of your actions. so we would get together to talk, perhaps twice?, the same communication, where you would explain your neurosis and apprehensions and i would understand and give you the oppurtunity to back away if you wanted- which you never took. and this would lead me back to the idea and fluidity of how i felt being in place, proper-- which had been quite possibly the most genuinely excited & primitive emotions of happiness i have felt in years. so generally i held on to the idea of this and that your hinderances would soon break and you would see what i saw and feel what i felt. i asked you once if you would like for me to back off and if perhaps this wasn't appropriate timing for you-- or if you wanted for me to keep attempting to push you out of your (unexplained) shells, and with no hesitation you asked, i thought so genuinely, to please keep pushing you-- and i decided at that point i would devote myself to helping you come around-- see what i see-- patiently, quietly, supportively, and not overbearingly-- which i suppose, was impossible, in hindsight.
i don't think negatively of you because of your hesitations and guards. i am a human with faults in nearly every aspect of my life, behaviour, mentality, emotions. i feel that because of my ability to relate and understand the things you have told me were blocks in this becoming more than what it was, for you, i overextended myself for you and possibly put my own standards and wellbeing as back priority, more than once. this is through no fault of yours, and completely my own, as i should have been moreso a realist in this and realized your inability to deal with this. though you had asked me, drunkenly, to push you, i feel as if your actions and unwillingness to let me be close to you should have been enough for me to let things be and i am sorry and regretful. not for anything i experienced with you, but for perhaps taking your vocalization and running with it rather than reading between the lines.
i have no balance between undercommunicating and overcommunicating, i suppose most of the things i say are without reason or thought to the other party involved-- which is a habit i developed after several years, perhaps two decades worth of missed oppurtunities and misunderstandings caused by my lack of willingness to admit my thoughts and heart contents. so, i guess-- i am really trying to apologize if this is perhaps overwhelming or out of line. i have no real agenda in this.
while i do feel led astray and off-put by alot of the suggestions you had made alluding to your feelings, good and bad, i can only try and forgive you and accept that humans are not simple or rational creatures. our minds and hearts change, and feelings-- should not-- and can not, be force-felt. i called you several times one night, in a friend's bathroom, amongst people laughing and enjoying social situations and wine, hoping you would pick up and i could tell you honestly that your apathy toward my feelings had devestated me fully for the last time. heart was sunken, partially realizing that perhaps you just didn't care for me in any way-- even the friendship that i have grown accustomed to over the past 5 odd years. you seemed more of a dark figure, an unwelcomed presence that night, than a person whose company i enjoy and whose light always has shone so brightly-- another romantic endeavor which leaves me with negative tastes and awkwardness in every anticipated social event. so strange to see you in this manner, where it was inappropriate to speak or suggest we knew each other at all. even a glance and those three or four seconds before the lights went dark, where our eyes met fully, feeling more like a punch in the stomach than a friendly gesture.
i would never hide the fact that i am upset. i've explained to you my inability to be angry with people, only situations. i am upset by this. i am not upset because of the rejection of our "more than friendship", as much as i am upset at the seemingly endless way this worked out-- you outreached, i responded, i outreached, you didn't respond. responded finally and explained your doubts that we could be more than friends. accepted it, outreached as a friend, you responded and made us more than friends again, in that parking lot after only a few drinks, this time i couldn't blame your intoxication, or mine. stretched myself thin a few more times, listened to you and took you for an honest person when i gave you one, two, three chances to tell me if this is not what you wanted, if i am not what you wanted, if i should back off-- each time you blamed your mental state and told me you'd try and shut the crazy off-- i believed you because honestly, i had no reason not to believe you. so now, after all of the outs i had given you, the oppurtunities to either open yourself to me, or be open with me -- you call and tell me they were all just excuses, which i took as you never had real hesitations emotionally, mentally-- you were just never in to me, and were trying to be, for the sake of who knows what. and i am left completely blindsighted by this, as i believe you to be an honest and emotionally capable person, and not a completely egocentric one. present tense, still, as i am giving you the biggest benefit of the doubt i have ever given-- perhaps shouldn't be given. i suppose, above all else, i just need you to know that i am not a girl who extends herself, offers herself, overdoes anything-- i am reserved, generally, in romantic affairs and friendships and tend to find myself under-flattering my role in basically every situation. and that because of these "excuses" you had given me, repeatedly, i found you worth changing my reservations for, for once-- ending in this extremely cliche and unnessecary heavy heart. i am awful at change, but decent at adjusting gradually, and though my feelings are fragile and glass coated, they'd have recovered so easily if you had just been honest with me from the start. and i feel that it would have been a less extreme adjustment, requiring less time, to return to our state of friendship, perhaps even a better friendship based on the irony of whatever happened between us, in the end.
abrupt endings seem to work best with you and i.
